Month: October 2002

For those who are interested in polls

Ok, this is the start of something I’m going to do at least once a week. It’s basically an inner exploration of myself in front of the whole bloody world, so if you don’t like this shit, ya might want to skip over my journals. Basically what I’m doing, is taking the time to answer routine questions from The Balanced Body by my wonderful instructor Don Schuemann. So, the first set of questions deals with the chest, and here I go:

What sparks your inner fire?
Couldn’t quite say, but I’ve always been a curious one. Trying to uncover secrets and hidden knowledge. Passion does it too, not just the physical/sexual sense, but intellectual as well.

When and how do I control my feelings through breathing?
Whenever they hit the point I’m about to explode or I’m in public. I’ll start breathing deeply when angry or about to cry, mostly through my nose to really get control of it.

Does my heart center feel open?
Sometimes. I’m working on opening it up and being more upfront with who I am to both myself and those around me. But for the most part, I lock my feelings inside of me so that I can control in a seriously unhealthy manner. So far, it’s just made me chronically pissed and ill.

How am I restricting myself?
I’m not honest with myself about my feelings and opinions. And I’m not 100% honest about voicing my opinions when they should be voiced. That’s how I’ve ended up having difficulty taking in full breaths and why I’m usually breathing deeply, like I’m sighing–when I’m not.

In observing my cats, I noticed something. I have order and chaos in the two black cats, and then there’s me…the attention addict, who doesn’t quite fit into the scheme of things.

Day was much better today. I was told I complain too much, and it’s true. I don’t deny that, nor do I deny the fact I’m a pain in the ass. Such is life and I’m learning to get a grip on it. Couldn’t get to the concert tonight because of justified reasons, c’est la vie….I only wanted to go for the opener anyway. But, I do have my Mudvayne tickets on the way, as well as my new iMac.

By the way, if you, or anyone you know in the Atlanta area feels like joining up in the service…specifically the Marines, please let me know via email.

I’m so bloody bored tonight it isn’t funny. I wanted to go hang with Marine but I wasn’t able to talk to him yesterday and he hasn’t called me yet tonight. 😛 Seriously, I understand the need for hobbies, but after work and school I feel like doing some mindless shit, like sitting around in a robe watching Scorpion King and waiting for a couple phone calls because I have nothing better to do. I was planning on cleaning house, but that won’t get finished till tomorrow when I might actually feel like doing it. Funny the way I work, I need 3 day weekends to get stuff done because I need at least a day and a half to rest up and relax after work and school to get up the urge to do the rest of the stuff I need to do (e.g. clean house, that thing I haven’t done in several months). I also have homework to do, stuff to print out and tests to study for. And all I want to really do tomorrow is go driving in the mountains. I’m hoping I’ll be able to convince myself to stay focused for a week and then go driving next weekend. Though, wishes don’t always come true.

I need to beat someone or something. Tired, angry, frustrated, and loads of other emtions that I can’t even find the words to list. Funny how it works out that way, ya know, everything being all balled up into one bundle. Even though it seems like it shouldn’t come together the way it does. *sigh* I give up.

Ok, I consider myself a pain in the ass when it comes to talking to some people. I need to learn to spend quiet time with myself instead of bugging people with phone notes almost every day. 😛

On another note, I noticed in clinic today that my chakra chart is printed by a company with a PO box up in Mnt Shasta. Certain ones will find the amusement in that.

Ok, Kittie rocks and I have all their autographs. The female on bass is absosnuggly cute and I wanted to take her home. The guy is an idiot and just needs to accept the fact no one is going to scream on his command. My company was awesome too, so I now have a new friend and concert buddy. He convinced me to go to the Korn concert on the basis that Disturbed is opening on the condition I can close my ears during Korn. Next stop will be the Mudvane concert for my b-day. *grin* It’s great having guy friends to just go hang out with, and a wonderful partner that trusts me with them.

My apologies to everyone I should see on a weekly basis and haven’t. I’m trying to pull myself out of an emotional gutter and hopefully I’ll be back to myself soon.