I think I meditated too much during lunch today. So, now I know not to discuss a person I hate and the reasons why before I meditate. I drudged up a whole different angle of emotions today, as a result, and I’m quite disturbed by it. The whole afternoon was spent exploring these emotions and all the anger just started flooding the surface like a freshly tapped spring. I spent the ride home contemplating things, which lead to my eventual b-day with me being at the local saturday night club being lured up on stage for my b-day whippings. Needless to say, my adrenaline levels jumped up, heart went racing and flight mechanism was starting to kick in. Playing the scene over and over in my head lead to the eventual fight mechanism kicking in and me severely maiming said person I hate. I’m not quite sure if it was the result of me allowing the things that happened to happen, or the fact that I was just really really pissed at him and didn’t quite realize how much I do resent his entire existance. Granted, I don’t blame myself entirely for how low I got, because it was a long hard fall for me. My character doesn’t show weakness well, and I was always prideful in the fact that I didn’t go through the normal teenage angst, self-esteem issues. Enter said person I hate. When I was 17, I met this wonderful guy who actually understood me and could put up with me. After agonizing over the fact he was moving states, I settled in knowing I could visit. Fast Forward to college. Freshman year, I started beating myself over the head in order to keep this person in my life. Call me obsessed, because I really think I was. I didn’t have any friends, nor did I try to have any friends because that would mean I was less likely to be at home when he called. Enter Friends. I started hanging out with eventual friends I made through the Pagan group that I helped start and my network of RA’s. Guess what, I wasn’t home when he called, so I got bitched at, yet, it was ok for him to call me at 2AM because he was out with his friends, when I had an 8AM class. Soon after came the “you’re getting fat” comments. The constant reminders that I wasn’t the anorexic junkie he used to date before me. The jokes about my lack of hearing and everything else under the sun. Exit self-esteem. That started my decline, because that was what I heard over the next 2 years. I don’t know why I stayed with him because I should have let him leave after the first year. Of course, I would have done the honours having known that he wanted kids. Thanks for wasting 5 years of my life. Once I graduated, I never went anywhere without said person I hate. Till I decided to end the relationship because I was constantly being reminded that I was a whore and a slut because I slept with my best friend who actually cared about me enough to be there for me when said person I hate decided to ignore me. So, I was in a new state, had some local net friends, which led to my first night out without said person I hate. Enter road to recovery. That night, I actually talked to 3 new people I had never talked to before and met several others that are now my friends. The best thing, is that several of them helped in convincing me to move out of the then current living conditions. One of them, my Scotsman, was kind enough to keep reminding me that I wasn’t some anorexic slut who was worthless (not in those words, of course). And the others were kind enough to give those glances that make you feel special when they think you look great. I’m not 100% recovered, but I’m much further than I was 2 years ago. I still find me catching myself on things and the actuality that I have friends in my life that don’t try to force me in one direction or another, and a partner who is happiest when I’m being myself. So, I’m giving a very tearful thank you to everyone (netfriends included) who have added a compliment on personality, physique, whatever, because you’ve helped me get this far in noticing that I’m not what I was re-conditioned to think I was. I really means a bunch having you all in my life, in some way shape or form. Thanks!

In other news, I found the yoga center near me that I couldn’t find….and the anger is starting to leave my body.