I think I meditated too much during lunch today. So, now I know not to discuss a person I hate and the reasons why before I meditate. I drudged up a whole different angle of emotions today, as a result, and I’m quite disturbed by it. The whole afternoon was spent exploring these emotions and all the anger just started flooding the surface like a freshly tapped spring. I spent the ride home contemplating things, which lead to my eventual b-day with me being at the local saturday night club being lured up on stage for my b-day whippings. Needless to say, my adrenaline levels jumped up, heart went racing and flight mechanism was starting to kick in. Playing the scene over and over in my head lead to the eventual fight mechanism kicking in and me severely maiming said person I hate. I’m not quite sure if it was the result of me allowing the things that happened to happen, or the fact that I was just really really pissed at him and didn’t quite realize how much I do resent his entire existance. Granted, I don’t blame myself entirely for how low I got, because it was a long hard fall for me. My character doesn’t show weakness well, and I was always prideful in the fact that I didn’t go through the normal teenage angst, self-esteem issues. Enter said person I hate. When I was 17, I met this wonderful guy who actually understood me and could put up with me. After agonizing over the fact he was moving states, I settled in knowing I could visit. Fast Forward to college. Freshman year, I started beating myself over the head in order to keep this person in my life. Call me obsessed, because I really think I was. I didn’t have any friends, nor did I try to have any friends because that would mean I was less likely to be at home when he called. Enter Friends. I started hanging out with eventual friends I made through the Pagan group that I helped start and my network of RA’s. Guess what, I wasn’t home when he called, so I got bitched at, yet, it was ok for him to call me at 2AM because he was out with his friends, when I had an 8AM class. Soon after came the “you’re getting fat” comments. The constant reminders that I wasn’t the anorexic junkie he used to date before me. The jokes about my lack of hearing and everything else under the sun. Exit self-esteem. That started my decline, because that was what I heard over the next 2 years. I don’t know why I stayed with him because I should have let him leave after the first year. Of course, I would have done the honours having known that he wanted kids. Thanks for wasting 5 years of my life. Once I graduated, I never went anywhere without said person I hate. Till I decided to end the relationship because I was constantly being reminded that I was a whore and a slut because I slept with my best friend who actually cared about me enough to be there for me when said person I hate decided to ignore me. So, I was in a new state, had some local net friends, which led to my first night out without said person I hate. Enter road to recovery. That night, I actually talked to 3 new people I had never talked to before and met several others that are now my friends. The best thing, is that several of them helped in convincing me to move out of the then current living conditions. One of them, my Scotsman, was kind enough to keep reminding me that I wasn’t some anorexic slut who was worthless (not in those words, of course). And the others were kind enough to give those glances that make you feel special when they think you look great. I’m not 100% recovered, but I’m much further than I was 2 years ago. I still find me catching myself on things and the actuality that I have friends in my life that don’t try to force me in one direction or another, and a partner who is happiest when I’m being myself. So, I’m giving a very tearful thank you to everyone (netfriends included) who have added a compliment on personality, physique, whatever, because you’ve helped me get this far in noticing that I’m not what I was re-conditioned to think I was. I really means a bunch having you all in my life, in some way shape or form. Thanks!

In other news, I found the yoga center near me that I couldn’t find….and the anger is starting to leave my body.

Ok, I have this assignment for school in my journal. Basically, it’s taking one point in life, where I was identified with some aspect of my life, therefore becoming that aspect and nothing else. Or, I can describe a time where I over-identified with something and caused myself to become nothing more than that aspect. I sit thinking about those situations, and things that are going on in my life, at the moment, and realize that I do that quite often, even though it might only last a minute. Driving home last night after the after-party was a similar situation, though it has more to do with trained insecurities that need to be broken. I sit back thinking how often I’ve been, or I have, over-identified with being pagan, being a gothy-type, being female, being a young person, etc. How often in life we come across people who will know just one thing about us, and suddenly we become that one thing they know because it stops them from learning more about us? Case in point, the ex-roommate of the ex-idiot fiance and I never really got along too terribly well, because we didn’t know where our similarities were. She was of one religious and philosophical persuation and I was of another. The only commonality we had was our love of religious discussion, so that was what we discussed. As it was passed on to me, I was just that pagan goth who over-identified with being a pagan goth. Funny, the ex-idiot fiance began seeing me as that too, got irritated with my religious identity (because I don’t separate it from who I am) and told me to quit talking from a religious standpoint on so many things. Well, at any point, we know how that story ended and we know that I’m still a very religious person. It’s a strong aspect of me because that is where most of my values and personal ethics come from, and those of you who’ve been around me during those times when I try to resolve my internal ethical issues with various things, you know exactly how strong those ties are for me. Is that only what I am? No, I’m a multi-faceted person, just like everyone else. It just takes longer to get to the candy middle to find out all those facets of me for people who like to read Pat, the bunny more often than an in-depth Existentialist writer. Food for thought of those who read this: What is your predominant facet and how does that view affect how you see yourself and how you perceive others to see you?

Ok, I’ve sat thinking about the latest revelations that have changed my perception of a certain 5+ years of my life. First off, I know I dwell on things, that’s how I end up coming to a resolution to them. Second, a certain, and only, ex-fiance can happily go screw himself and his “wife”. The gyst, basically, I just found out that I was lied to for 5+ years about more than just the mundane daily bullshit. I was lied to about decisions to have kids, mainly, and I was lied to in regards to our “status”. Apparently, meaning it’s the only logical answer I can come up with, I cheated on said ex-fiance not once, but twice. Why? Because, according to my source (whom I trust more than said ex-fiance), he found out I was cheating on him after I moved out. Now, I’m not quite sure how to figure this, since he stopped referring to me as his girlfriend the day I broke up with him. After that I was just his roommate that he fucked (till I gave him 6 months of no sex). So, as a result of that, I started dating and seeing people other than him. Why? Because I was sick and tired of the games he was playing and wanted to get on with my life. At any rate, that’s the only answer I can come up with because he knew about my first indescretion, which led to me breaking up with him in the first place, because I couldn’t forgive myself. Now, onto the kids. As I’ve stated in a previous journal, from day one, he always talked about how evil and worthless kids were. I thought that was great because I wasn’t too keen on having them myself at the time either. I was also told that said ex-fiance, by said ex-fiance, was infertile due to radiation treatments as a teen. Apparently, that’s all a potential lie as well. Though, I know the kids were a lie, because my trustworthy source has informed me of how he always talked about wanting kids and he only said he didn’t want them because I didn’t want them. (Please keep in mind, he said he didn’t want kids first). So, not only does said ex-fiance have this thing with compulsive lying, he also seems to have an issue with accepting personal blame, but that’s something completely different that I would prefer to yell at him instead of writing it. Of course, that would completely wipe out my Scotsman’s desire to not have to pull me off of him at a club. Seriously, I need to resolve this within myself, especially since I’m not supposed to care about the pathetic pipsqueak I had the delusions of calling my husband. Thank the gods I woke up and left. And thank you to all the people who kept telling me I should.